Wholesome Stranger Pierces The Veil That Cloaks My Soul

I preface by stating...

Some may call such unlikely events that happens to interrupt our daily paths, "coincidences." And to others merely random acts of perhaps "kind gestures." Though let's suppose on a more personal independent level as to any individual, the exhibition of the lives we walk set as the protagonist of our own stories, and even more seemingly so, say literally what are the chances that someone just so happens to be going through the very something that a random stranger so happens to come along and simply creates a message of light or says something in correlation to what you're dealing with when they have absolutely no clue who you even are or what you are going through.

So with that said...

I was just simply enjoying a bit of an early dinner out at the mall alone today. Not too long after I sat down with my food, moments later an eager handsome masculine young fellow, who mind you seems to be one of those gym dudes who may have been working out for some time but not quite a veteran gym bro  Anyway, he's in good shape for his age and comes up behind me with a smile on his face and begins to compliment me on my appearance. He asks, "how do you get your beard to look so nice!" Then he continues to question my age, "how old are you, like 24, right?" At this point I quickly respond while revealing my age to him. "Idk I groom it but other than that idk," I mutter as I lightly chuckle. "I appreciate that man, that's nice of you but I'm 32 lol," I mentioned to him. And in his response he briefly gestures with a look of disbelief. "Well, you look nice for that age and I'm sure the girls like the hair too haha," he stated as he lightly laughs. Of course, being the skeptic and best critic of myself that I am, I certainly do not agree with him but do appreciate it. I thank him for the complimentary exchange of words and he goes to sit back down at his table to continue with his food.

The aura of this young lad, however, it wasn't overbearing nor obnoxious in his behavior with his communication. I didn't sense any ill intent or hostility or over egotistical sarcastic bantering nonsense that you'll get sometimes out of random people to try and make themselves perceive humorous and only very few are somewhat successful at actually achieving this on a social level, at least well for that matter. But he was actually rather very wholesome, heartwarming and pure when being approached and spoken to. He actually listened well when I spoke to him.

Well furthermore, after I finished my meal I headed back over to the young lad's table to speak one last time with him. We just discussed such things like health, dieting, and exercising. In addition, he also shared that his age was 19. And of course, it isn't me unless I share the ever so tantalizing monstrosity that is the chronic annoyance of my spinal disabilities. (And this is where the story connects itself together)

So now at this point, I'm walking out of the mall, making my way out to my truck, doing my damnest not to breakdown in front of people lol  suppressing everything I can until I get in my truck.

How that young boy perceived me is not how I feel towards myself certainly not by any of the likes, not emotionally nor physically, of course.

I don't like how I am nor how I look even with the accomplishment of already losing weight. It's not enough for what I want to fulfill.

I very much hate to say how my back is seeming to be getting much worse. My spinal disabilities are keeping me from being able to exercise or much of anything really. I don't want to just better myself through fitness for someone else but also myself too. And it is looking like I may not be able to do that. My back constantly goes numb. Never ends.

And this once again is not a place for me to shed pity but I am merely expressing my personal observations.

How am I suppose deem myself worthy by necessary means for her if I can not even carry her on my own back? To thee I be a bloody cripple in my next few years lest it be a damn shame someone has to carry my own wretched body on their own back. What a trifle.

I just want to be strong for her... have her know she is cared for.

But not like this...

Whether by society, cultures, some traditions, an individual's experience or past history, what have you... as a man, the lack of physical strength or weakness from that of a man on the outside can be perceived as a repellent to a female by nature. However, I understand not to all, but depending on what type of woman or personality perhaps so. But, this world is cruel and unjust. It will not see itself in the matter of such unified connection between such two persons.

It would take only a very very unique someone to really understand or never have thought it is possible for anyone to ever understand myself for that matter.

So, anyway this little insightful interruption kind of made my day through this kind young guy. For... much... much... discouragement... weight... heaviness... that plagues my soul each... and every day from that pain and discomfort that I just am so sick of dealing with.

  So... tired from it.

In short, what I interpreted from this was just simply a mere stranger that seemed good hearted was genuinely interested in talking with me about something that has long had me bound deeply by my thoughts and soul. And this, he knows nothing the sort with my matters, of course, but his kind words of exchange and tenderness of heart made itself like a dagger and unexpectedly from no where cleaved through all that was in me.

We are purposeful creatures. Purpose is what drives our lives. Without it, why have the need to live? Even by Nature, it bears purpose and principle. Nature we are, so as a part of Nature we bear purpose. So, these "coincidences" if you put purpose to coincidence does it not become some use of value?

I interpreted it perhaps as maybe a little light of some hope or maybe for me to reflect more on the "true nature" of a woman and not just for her outside beauty. For supposedly, that is what I do to myself as well or envision for myself on the outside.

I've always seemed to gravitate toward being too blinded by beauty and where this phrase holds its value in my case, I suppose, just as does the old saying goes, "like a moth to a flame." How uncontrollable this phenomenon seems to take hold of me... but I suppose, even beauty can render obsessive properties.