Untitled Entry (if you have an ideal title for this approach send your thoughts)

A stimulating thought was brought to my attention approximately 0205 am Tuesday March 06, 2018...

Par. 1 As I begin to indulge in writing, I am trying to remember and search for the interesting thoughts I discovered in the depths of my mind shortly after 0205 Tuesday March 6, 2018. So hopefully as I continue to write I will constructively bring those attractive reflections to paper... or (as I silently mutter to myself) more modernly known for those in this day in era, "text," as our world has heavily progressed into electronic script.

Par.2 Firstly, I was precognitively explaining (as I frequently do) to a fellow co-worker and friend of mine in the break room of my current job as if talking to her in person about these mindful regards that had thoughtfully already happened. And by doing so this strikingly spurred an alluring and fluidic moment of significant thoughts for me.

* This generalization relative to, what I highly render it as, is the on-going exhaustion of anxiety or the anxieties of mine and how they can be dealt with for some. I know it has been done for me and am still doing it for myself as I increasingly recall.

Par. 3 Moments like these, the remarkable fine tuning or river of thought bonded with an ardent poise allows me to create pieces like these. I try to remain in that fabric of mind for it is most astonishing to myself even if it is not to others. This message had been intricately unplanned and was the elaborate realization of being in a constant mode of precognitive thinking almost, if not always, too automatic to control which results in my perpetual state of anxieties regardless of what kinds or what levels due to its frequent irregular extremities. Explaining such matters gives me the temporary relief and peace away from these abrupt and unintentional daily fixations. Whether this be to irresistibly render negative or positive consequences, I still seek to better tame this even if I do try to suppress them or use them to my advantage.

Par. 4 Now after these insightful non-physical visitations, I was led back to find some beneficial mechanisms that can very well relieve, "temporarily," my continuous anxious tensions. What has been long yearned for I often had reckoned with myself that of visiting my elementary school, and more specifically, the playground of that school. Now immediately for some this may sound silly or become of sudden wonder as to "why exactly" this would be of great culmination. Humorously, I could also picture talking to someone about this with a bewildered look on their face, more so, one who neglects or lacks adding such sentimental values in their life. However, if given enough thought this is but one of those beneficial mechanisms I had mentioned before. I would like to continue thinking, for temporarily relieving such restlessness, not just think, but upon many times have experienced these brief episodes which does deliver intensifying mental and bodily alleviation from this. I have often revisited these thoughts or ones like these for comfort with some specific reason which I hadn't given much explanation to until now.

Par. 5 The reason or reasons being, gives me a soothing focus away from present stresses and anxieties. Yet furthermore, there are reasons beyond these reasons that give such profound apprehensive occurrences upon substantial representation within a mental remote detachment apart from real-time existence. This happening, some would just merely claim and quickly assume as "day-dreaming." On the other hand, I am not previously implying that I do not like to wholly often engage in verbal discussions for this is what I strongly hope for yet, though possibly on a further scale of just your basic average conversation with others. It allows me to significantly generate clearer thinking and to better epitomize the communication for writing. As it so frequently reveals to be, this is also what gives me my insightful intuition for writing as it can better represent my thoughts and communication to others through writing rather than verbal discussion. I more wish to deliver such meaning without interruptions or without causing myself the "near-to-involuntarily" creating of thoughts or such strong emotions for those that may not even be thinking such as I would think, but then in hasty disagreement, may be conjointly otherwise.

Par. 6 At any rate, a common misinterpretation or the average depiction of "day-dreaming," many may recall, may dismiss its powerful aiding properties despite those that seek its comforting attributes for clearer thinking as I would mostly seem to recognize this use for myself. Synonymously, this distributes a similar implication for describing what we know as "meditation." This also comes about more, if not always, automatically or uncontrollably. It is not something that I set aside to do purposefully during times of engaging with people, when working, or during things of such importance or either at all really, as few would possibly misconceive this as an act of disrespect or carelessness. In contrast, for these happenings, only such is expected very much (more consciously) when I am devoting my time wholeheartedly for my writing. In addition, more amusingly this unintentional habit is, of course, not well suited for your daily conventional occupation what ever your job may be. I briefly just remembered this may be why I "zone-out," so I like to call it, while occasionally in conversation with others or even simply by myself. At times when in conversation, or socially interacting with others, some may have a slight concern on their face as to what I am doing or looking at. Though really I may not be looking much at anything but memorized by the quick sudden racing thoughts I often naturally have that will slow my attention span for the momentary reality with that person, or persons at hand, whether it be of the significant past or even that of the "(recent present*)."

* Here in the former statement, I inadvertently revealed, possibly a new "oxymoron" now known to my awareness. "I love these things," so I eagerly and excitingly "ooh" to myself as a school girl would falling head over heels for some boy explicitly capturing her attention. I had mentioned lately in the paragraph above such phraseology as "recent present." "Recent" is depicting a late occurrence, where as "present" is happening, not late but on time, "happening," occurring, existing, and being ever continuous in that manner. Ironically, though if something is present, is it not inevitably bound to be recent within the nick of time? Of course, unless time ceases altogether encompassed by our uttermost critical understanding, is seemingly unlikely at "the moment." Then should it be undoubtedly impractical. Nonetheless, a rather form of meaning I would like to think takes place with interesting occurrences like these. That is what happens in a world of opposition when two differences create a striking similarity, I would presume.

Par. 7 Moving along, I would also like to think that this/these condition(s) are more recognizable in those who exhibit their lives fixated on noticeable versions circumstantial to the mental, emotional, and eventual physical realms of "introversion." I know one may wonder "why don't you just calm yourself or break the silence which hinders social interaction?" Well, for some, if not almost all, try to do so but never seems to fully reconcile the noticeable paths for an extrovert or someone who may not quite understand such unintentional tendencies that plays a vital part in a person's life, like mentioned, more explicitly those respectively filtering expression. Though, if acquitting such "hyper awareness," (as I most like to define this as,) would possibly manifest and provoke those of opposite nature, or those unequivocal, that certain "awareness" may find them sensibly "comparative," making the presence around them uncomfortable, yet unfortunately disconnected from this. As I continue, this deep annotation more simulates a quality of detectable "awkwardness," as most common folk like to refer it as. Though some highly mistaken this as a valuable trait for "modesty." Most of who generously do so, exploit these "awkward encounters," I find, may have a more nurturing spirit. I could very well be wrong, or with some degree of contrary consideration, inaccurately be revealing such conditions, but I find it hard to denounce otherwise unless trying to portray an opposing kindred spirit. Close at hand, this behavior or condition may very well, and a lot of times, be confused with selfishness and should not be concluded as so. For most with this nature, are actually not always one to think such, yet strive to be "independently" selfless or possibly, better put, "use their introversion for the sake of others and not just for themselves."

Par. 8 Could these things which I share be the internal inclination of self respect one has for themselves? The sorrowful pity for one's self? Narcissism? Confidence? Call it what you will. I would like to think of it as, if used properly, an organically humanistic instrument for relating with another and diversifying each other for the better, even if one leads their life more noticeably inward or outward in which both can play a beneficial part of our lives. I guess that could be why it is good to be different. For if we were all the same and yet without those differences, would seem quite boring I suppose. The use of outside thinking from others or the exampling from others whereas reasoning within ourselves, in hopes, positively converting such matters into a tool for improving our self and more importantly for others.

Par. 9 Returning to where this entry unraveled from, I mentioned on re-visiting my very first school's playground. These memories, which when activated, are that of good energy and are distinctively harnessed pertaining to a specific setting with, yes, I so remittably urge to disclose, "transcending scenery," dispensing exhilarating consummation of such peace, whether that be short-lived or further more, a desirable convalescent one that is reoccurring for possibly some rehabilitation when ever needed so. Upon returning to congenerous thoughts, my preoccupation on the like seems to be driven by the intensifying remembrance considering the lack of stress and worry that manifests within my memories. This being the superiority of nostalgia created from the comforting reflections that conjure a mindful appearance of supplicating furnishings and deeply re-traceable weather rectifying such welcoming enamor that remains in the custody of my mind. It furnishes an enchanting glow of sunny atmosphere and expels graceful winds, which to me had always resembled that of someone or even something rather unfamiliar or more so, "mystifying," whispering secretly in my ear. The clairvoyant visuals penetrating my memories of the lavish greenery in the trees and harmonious open fields that I picture beholding remarkable luster accompanied by that of the many floral colors accentuating their being allowing such bold beauty to passionately exalt that beauty itself once more for the hope of outlasting the Beyond of what the human mind can always seem to anticipate. Together with this tenure of elegance, the asphyxial captivation from the wind is earnestly whisking through the grassland so naturally as a river would elegantly flourish its defining illustrations equally as charming. This yield by a peculiar variation of wind is not brief but lasting of some good measure...

* 0419- March 6 2018. A brief break from the main message of which I was writing, comes an alarming interruption.

* What I am trying to type is an edited and finalized version of the entry I made in my journal on the date I mention just recently and the night before. So with this in mind (0419 or sometime shortly after "real-time"), I mentally mutter "Dammit I hate when this happens." I was interrupted by a sudden and loud brash, a quick "pop!" or "crack!" which immediately elevated my paranoia as the like of mine. My first and foremost reaction with minimal seconds to bear, I took action retrieving my pistol most swiftly, yet covertly, for means of defense with whatever is unknown to me at the moment. So as a recognizable usual, when small situations like these occur I take "eh" I guess, one would denote, "extreme precautionary measures" that many would find silly, especially in my conclusion of this disturbance. I mean, I do myself now find it "funny and eccentric," of course, after the matter. Anyhow, I begin to "tactically clear out" my apartment, as the military and law enforcement junkies like to call it, searching for nearly every place unseen to my eyes so that I may have the reassurance of safety and security placed back into my knowing. And such, I had briefly figured for a moment, all this "alleged non-sense" was more than likely just the natural expansion between hot and cold objects hysterically being "large ice cubes" from when I recently made another alcoholic beverage to befriend my writing. I joke with myself and others known to this, "quite the intensifying matter right?"

*In continuation and away from this disturbance, now I had to regain the captivating fervor I was awesomely before engulfed in and began this small story from, so hoping to finish with as well at the time of my awareness.

(continued from par. 9) ...illuminating its purpose for just naturally existing. It resonates with empowerment as it connects amid the earth's vegetation, myself joyfully and appreciatively included as though some supreme blessing or offering befell upon me absorbing my senses with an akin manner like that of which Superman bestows when strengthened and enriched by the sun.

Par. 10 Another example from these memories confides with the many options of excitement that each piece of playground equipment is designed for. As I begin to illustrate this next invoking piece of comfort through memory, (figuratively of course) the alcohol riding shotgun as I am the pilot in this memoir and as alcohol does what it does best at times, if maneuvered properly, delivering near-to-uncontrollable responsiveness having unusual, yet empowering, meekness to allow an inexplicable feeling so seemingly unspeakable that it is not enough to merely explain to someone. One must find this commonly unique, yet well-hidden, or caged natural humanistic beauty within themselves all on their own (as this was during "real-time" at that moment of my writing).

Par. 11 As I go on to write and before I even reach my destination for what I am venturing to currently elaborate on, I have already begun to forcibly shed tears by this comprehensive examination of the many vexing wrongs and easily innumerable disguised iniquities that consumes the people of this world with every passing second... (*sob*) including myself. I believe this unexplained experience is well-known, but in defense of this, is just as sadly unknown more than it ever is and seemingly will be. What I am trying to best exemplify by the energy expounding within me erupting and busting down the door of the surface I call "holding in," clinging ever so compelling, is composing pure, true, natural, free-flowing unconditional... Love for thy neighbor. Whether it be one person of any nature, culture, race, ethnicity, etc., despite any and all of their sinfulness or to the whole world with corresponding regards, this is but what I can best sum up from any form of both rationalizing, research, faith or feeling and so on coming from a world of opposition; a something that can be and are the same.

Exceedingly and emotionally possessed, I continue to write.

Par. 12 I unmistakably proceed to weep. Now eminently mourning at the loss mankind still endures to bound themselves comatose paralleled with the reprehensible mundane things foreign to this magnificence which would never be... beyond compare as this is. Such heavy burden painfully breaks down any mental or emotional walls of defense only to leave me but ashamed and held responsible for my wretched misdeeds... as am I equally included with this curse endowed to humanity.

Par. 13 These things in mind, what led me here was the closeness in some form of purifying encounter. This is suddenly pursued by a distinctly young spirit which could conveniently simulate that of a child in these means amidst the sometimes perceived "innocence of a child." Free spirits enjoying the companionship of another despite their differences and conditions or simply none at all for to them these things are obscure, unknown, and without much reason, if at all, which could very well defy that of logic and understanding hence the school's playground where I envision free innocent spirits together with one another.

A something that is just... a something that just is. A something much greater than ourselves no matter how we seek it, there is always something of opposite or equal response, except for this great pardon that I constantly discover... which is Love- true unconditional love.

Furthermore...

Upon ending I hope my physical visitation of this reminiscence doesn't proceed in vain and that I find a closer peace to which I have yearned for in this remembrance, at least for in that moment or those moments to come and with great hopes recurring as well. If for another, at this time, I do wish this meeting to only be accompanied by my much younger brother. For our maturity gap is quite expanded. I, of course, would not "yet" expect him to understand for his age. So with this reason and understanding aside, hopefully our spirits will, however, receive the alike experience.

-0620 March 6, 2018

"Humbleness and humility has its refining purpose for rehabilitating the heart, mind, and soul of any individual if they so choose to find it and do so respectively"

"No matter the reason(s) there will always be opportunity for opposition(s)."

"True Love is without Reason"